Last-minute v-day gift ideas that make you look like you tried

Defeated by procrastination? Never fear, Hail Mary is here...

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If for whatever reason you’ve put off a purchase, got caught up with zoom meetings, got caught up with actual work, or just plain forgot – here are some Hail Mary ideas that might just give the impression that you actually put some thought into this.

Disclaimer: despite best efforts, even the best fire extinguisher will struggle against the fiercest fires. Just saying.

Super Mario themed Nintendo Switch (2nd Gen Red & Blue)

For those who like to skit across technicalities, using the classic release date exploit is a legitimate means of saving one’s skin like as though this was what you meant to do all along. For most reasonable people, one can make a case for not turning up with a gift, if the said gift is only released past V-day; but if it’s the perfect gift, it will be well worth waiting for.

So here’s the second-gen Nintendo Switch in Mario-esque red and blue (import, $479), which will save you with its 19th February release date. You can spring for the local version (which drops 12th Feb) but that’s almost double in price and few will begrudge you for the delay. Bundle it with Super Mario 3D World + Bowser’s Fury ($69.90) to complete the ensemble.

Summary of the play Release date lapse glitch
‘How screwed are you to make this play’ scale 7/10

Classic bouquet from Little Flower Hut

Firstly, we’re not presuming that you can’t afford overpriced flowers. But certainly, no one ever thinks it’s a good idea to pay those prices if you don’t have to and we all know how much pricier stuff gets closer to D-Day. Sorry, I meant V-Day. But if you didn’t put in an order early and you didn’t make any other form of preparation, this is pretty much the nuclear option: go big or go home. The very least you can do is show up with flowers (or have them delivered).

Needless to say on a scale of 1 to damn you’re really in trouble, as last-minute bouquets are pretty much at the end of the scale. But there’s some semblance of hope: not everyone runs 24/7 but online florist Little Flower Hut does. They don’t do miracles but they’re the next best thing. Maybe pick up one of their signature teddy bear bouquets (from $200) while you’re at it. Given that Valentine’s falls on a Sunday, it’s pretty much squeaky bum time when it comes to deliveries. But this is as good as it gets in the current circumstances.

Summary of the play The very least you can do is to show up with flowers or have them delivered
‘How screwed are you to make this play’ scale Desperate times calls for desperate measures

Spun Spirits Whisky Bottle Subscription Service

It might feel like you are gifting somebody shopping vouchers, but with the right subscription service, it will never feel s-tier in the tier list of bad gift ideas. So why are we suggesting a whisky bottle subscription service (We presume you guys are of legal age)? One, you don’t need to turn up with an actual physical item (that’s somewhat debatable, but still within reason). Two, if it’s fancy enough, it’s easier to sell the story. Three, if your significant other is a big whisky fan, this is s-tier thoughtful stuff.

Downside? There are several subscription tiers at Heart & Spirits (from $148 per month), but even the starter shows quite a bit of commitment. It will cost you plenty, but the upside is that your significant other will presumably share it with you. Bonus 2-for-1 trick: you’ll get more mileage out of this if you screwed up just before V-Day.

Summary of the play Lavish and logical make for a compelling argument
‘How screwed are you to make this play’ scale If you can afford it you’re never screwed. Sobering but true life fact

Samsung S21

Worried that your trusted florist is out of white roses? Grab a new phone like the new Galaxy S21 (from $1,178) instead – it feels like it costs the same (just kidding) and no one is queuing up to buy phones so it’s really unlikely that you’ll run out of those. There’s also the fact that statistically speaking*, no one (sane) is going to question the loopholes in your story after receiving a phone like this.

Bonus big brain play: if you don’t even have the time to pick up the package or arrange delivery, employ the release date glitch and get them the Galaxy Tab tablet in Mystic Navy instead, as that is released on the 19th.

*my own stats

Summary of the play If you are already prepared to spend, ROI the crap out of your money
‘How screwed are you to make this play’ scale it’s quite a hail mary actually, but it’s also a logical move for efficient thinkers (translation: lazy buggers)

Razer Kishi

Genshin Impact is one of the great timesucks of recent times – great triple-A grade graphics and top tier animation, coupled with addictive gacha mechanics – and it’s cross-platform so you can play it on your PC, console or mobile device. It’s kind of a big deal, so much so that the Razer Kishi ($159.90) enabled support for Genshin, which addresses one of the pain points of playing the game on mobile – there’s just too much going on to just rely on onscreen touch controls.

If your significant other loves Genshin this is pretty much like buying a free pass at a Steam sale. It also comes bundled with 300 Primogems, five Hero’s Wit, 200,000 Mora, and close to zero grumblings for good measure.

Summary of the play Exploiting addiction can be a real lifesaver. Let’s worry about being an enabler next time
‘How screwed are you to make this play’ scale When you’re not really in trouble but you’re just lazy (and both of you are gamers)

300 IQ play edition: Say Sorry

Last-minute stuff gets real expensive real quick. It’s much cheaper to beg for forgiveness (kneeling costs nothing) and use half of the budget here for your epic redemption play. Or double down and play the everyday-is-Valentine’s-when-I’m-with-you card (but chances are, RIP if you do). Either way, there’s potential for a real maverick play here, where the initial disappointment can be the perfect platform for the turnaround. Good luck.

The real disclaimer: this is obviously tongue-in-cheek, so please don’t knock on our door if things don’t work…